no more confusion

today was the first time we met after a few struggles to keep this relationship in the right path.
he came over to say hi to my parents and the we went to a picnic, actually it is not a planned one. hehe :P
he suddenly called me early in the morning (i was still fast asleep) and told me that he wanted to come over at noon. i was surprised of course. but you see, he likes to surprise me. :D
we spent hours talking.
the moment slipped away just like that.
it was fun.
and the rest, i have to keep it to myself. :)
i guess i have made up my mind after almost a year of confusion.
and believing is the first step.

i might not tell you this, but..

あなたがずっと好きでした。

約束だよ！ inshaallah :)

p/s: every memory will be recorded in here. i am forgetful, you see. 

19/12/2013

The day has actually been knocking at my door.
finally his father came to my house to meet my parents. Our date is not yet set but the cloudy day i have been seeing for all this while is coming to an end. it is clearer to me now. i feel blessed it is almost like a dream.

rectangular path of life.

the last paper sure made me feel stupid. haha.

i think i might not score for this paper even when i have once get 100 marks for the quiz. this is possibly an omen. how crazy does it sound when i said i just made it halfway in the second essay question? lost 10 marks there. probably. maybe i have made HIM mad at me many many times, that's why. :( forgive me. 

i wish i have a brain like Albert Einstein. 

i study like a moron last night. 

as i opened the exam paper, i sighed. 

EVERYTHING that i have been studying by pulling all-nighters are not there. not even one question about basis, rank and dimension and minor and blaaa blaa bla... grr!

okay lets stop those crazy-student-like life there. 

by the way, i am feeling much better now. at least for the time being. would i be able to forget? no, of course not. maybe i am feeling this way because i thought of him as a best friend who would always be there for me. Emm, would he or would he not? it is a little frustrating, but as i opened up my perspective, i managed to get a clearer view of my future. i am going to concentrate on my studies. that way, i might be able to pursue my long-lost dream. after graduating, i might continue with my second degree, well that depends on my CGPA. it must be 3.80 above or i won't get any scholarship. well if plan A does not work, plan B is still there. i will make sure to appreciate my life more. i am going to look further, deeper, so i would become someone people would never thought i would be. :) you guys are going to regret looking down on me! haha.

by the way, i have been planning of going to Japan the end of this year. Hooraay!! 

well it is just a plan. i have to take a lot of considerations before going there. i might just be going there alone. 

the planned date is 30/11/2013 till 6/12/2013. yes a week. the ticket fees including airport charges are about RM940. plus the passport. +- RM1k. 

a problem, a major problem is that i don't know how to make a visa. haha. they said i should have at least RM6k in my account i guess that won't be a big problem. but how to make a visa? no one i know knew how to make one. wuuuu~ 

and besides, if i were to go on my own, what if she is not there yet. and i have no one to ask about directions whatsoever since i don't really understand japanese. and japanese do not know english. okay that's one of the worst-case-scenario. 

okay thank you!

 i AM Albert Einstein after all. i can study japanese in just a week. haha! (aho janai ka? no one would be able to learn japanese in just a week)

a vacation to Japan with my best friend is the best thing ever and is my dream! i would never put anything in front until i have set my foot there. 

till then, wish me luck!

wait for me. 

untitled feelings

a man who truly loves you would never let you go no matter how hard the situation is.

i know how hard it is to find someone who is able to love you unconditionally. i never found one in my whole life. not even one.

men used to toy with my feelings. they are there when they need us and leave us when the situation is favourable for them. dear men out there, can you please explain why? can you please explain?

i know tomorrow is the day. after heart-throbbing reconciliation, there you go again. it has been only a few days. it is impossible for you to be patient for another year. deep down, you never love me right? it is alright.

p/s: atashi wa tsuyoi desu. :')

So Far

I don't like it here.
Yes, that's the truth. I wish I could turn back time even if it is just for a second. My life during my secondary school days are much sweeter, much tender and much gentler in fact. Ayu and Izham; both are my cousins, and we paid great respects to each other. The three of us used to be in the same class. My friends, Ainun, Thania, Sal, Nabila, Fatin, Farah, Mira, Bashir, Hisham, Irshad (sorry for those name I do not mention) they made my life so beautiful. And that is the reason I love them so much. My friends here are obviously different, in character, in personality, and in manners. I just can't cope with this situation even when I do have friends who understands me the way I am.

What did you feel if your friends refused to answer your call? Calling you a nuisance? I heard from my friend, that one of them even called me 'orang gila' or in proper English, 'crazy woman' (best-suited). I'm hurt of course, but I paid no attention as she actually had done many other great deeds for me before. I just use that excuse to cover everything up. It is okay. It would be fine. Right, SD?
The other three pretended not to hear anything. They knew I called, and just put their hand phones away. That's pretty much of a drama. I knew this. Do you think I am stupid? I am just being ignorant. Putting my anger in the front line would never bring any benefits to me at all.I ignore everything they did up to this point. I think I would continue to be like this, being ignorant to the situation around me. If I don't, I would end up being hurt again. For now, I will just remember every good deeds that they have done for me and erase the bad ones. I would be alright again. Keep smiling :)

Lucky me that I managed to survive this situation for already two years and a half. Another 2 years to go. Fighting!

Well, I am not the type to talk about others, but I did tell my closest friend about what I personally feel inside. Is that wrong? I don't like to spread rumours about others and I am sure to hate those who spread rumours about me and my private life. My life consists of my Creator; Allah SWT, my beloved Rasulullah SAW, my father, mother, elder brother and younger brother. I love HIM and I love them so much of course :) Is there anything to be jealous about? No, nothing. You have your own family, and I have mine. The only difference is how you appreciate their existence in your life. My family is the most significant thing that I ever had so far.

Hah! By the way, yesterday, my ex roommate snapped a picture of me with the piano with her DSLR. It came out great of course even though it was just a random snap. Hahaha. I am so damn happy! How I wish to realise the dream of owning my own grand piano one day! It is not just a dream, it is an ambition of mine. I would surely, one day realise it. Just wait and see. My first keyboard is Casio CTK-230. It feels great to be with my 'Kibah'. His name is Kibah, my keyboard, I mean. Hahaha. What a weird name it is.

p/s : 'When life is treating you like a rock, become a stone'

The Fate of The Uchiha's..

Itachi was born into the Uchiha clan to Mikoto and Fugaku and was praised by all as the best of his generation; a genius above all others. Even by the standards of the battle-adept Uchiha clan, Itachi's prowess far outshone them. However, not even his family, friends, or teachers could understand him. When he was only four, Itachi had already witnessed countless lives lost due to the Third Shinobi World War, which emotionally traumatised him and turned him into a pacifist.
During the Nine-Tails' attack on Konoha, Itachi held his infant brother Sasuke and told him that he would protect him no matter what as well as wondering where his parents had gone.

At age 7, he graduated from the Ninja Academy at the top of his class after only one year, mastered the Sharingan at age eight, passed the Chūnin Exams at age 10, and became an ANBU Captain at age 13.

He was praised highly by his father, who saw the family's future in Itachi and hence inadvertently neglected his younger son. However, during this time Itachi showed great affection towards his little brother and even encouraged his father to come to the Academy enrolment ceremony for Sasuke, something their father had otherwise forgotten, by saying that he would not go to an important mission that would establish Itachi a place in the ANBU ranks, otherwise.



When the Uchiha clan began planning to overthrow Konoha, Itachi, as an ANBU, was tasked with spying on the village. Knowing that a coup d'état would only lead to another Ninja War; Itachi began spying on the Uchiha instead, passing on information to the Third Hokage and the other Konoha elders. During this time he began to act strangely, not attending the clan meetings, speaking out against the clan and becoming the prime suspect for the murder of his best friend Shisui Uchiha, who was drowned in the Naka River. In reality, Shisui had entrusted his remaining Mangekyō Sharingan to Itachi, the other having been taken by Danzō. Itachi assisted Shisui in making it seem that his eyes were destroyed. Due to this the clan lost hope in Itachi, and his father began shifting his focus to Sasuke instead. Meanwhile, the Third's attempts to negotiate a bloodless end to hostilities between the two parties were proving ineffective so, against the Third's wishes, Danzō Shimura and the Konoha Council ordered Itachi to wipe out the Uchiha clan.



Before the fateful night arrived, Itachi discovered the existence of Tobi, who was attempting to rekindle the flames of war in Konoha. In return for not attacking Konoha, Itachi offered to help Tobi claim vengeance against the Uchiha for turning their backs on him decades earlier; Tobi agreed. Itachi slaughtered his entire clan overnight, sparing only Sasuke, because he could not follow through with the orders to kill him. Instead, he made himself out as a villain, who had killed their innocent family only to test his abilities. He told Sasuke that he was not even worth killing. In addition, Itachi told him, "You've always wanted to surpass me. That's why I'm going to let you live… if you wish to kill me, then hate me, despise me… and by all means flee, cling to your wretched life". Itachi also revealed to Sasuke where the secret meeting place of the Uchiha was hidden, and suggested that Sasuke go there to learn what the true history and purpose of the Sharingan was. He told him that "to awaken the Mangekyō Sharingan", he "had to kill the person he was closest to", and that "when we battle, we should have the same eyes".



Sasuke managed to stand back up, awaken his Sharingan, and pursue Itachi. Upon reaching Itachi, he managed to knock off his forehead protector. Itachi shed a tear as he was picking up his forehead protector. He then proceeded to incapacitate Sasuke, who awoke in the hospital remembering only that which Itachi wanted him to. By doing all this, he wanted Sasuke to take vengeance on him and become a hero to Konoha, thus redeeming the Uchiha name. Hoping that his beloved little brother would someday be powerful enough to kill him, Itachi left the village as a traitor. According to Tobi, Itachi also had a lover, whom he killed during the Uchiha clan massacre.



Knowing that Konoha would still want to eliminate Sasuke, Itachi pleaded with the Third Hokage to keep Sasuke safe. He also threatened Danzō to not harm Sasuke or risk Itachi revealing everything he knew about Konoha's secrets to enemy countries. Sasuke's safety was therefore secured and Itachi returned to his original plan of becoming infamous for his slaughter of the Uchiha clan.



Itachi joined Akatsuki in order to keep an eye on the organisation, along with Tobi, in case either ever acted against Konoha, all the while planning for his death at Sasuke's hands. While he was a member of Akatsuki, Itachi was approached by Orochimaru, who tried to steal his body to gain the Sharingan. Itachi trapped him in a genjutsu and severed his left hand as punishment, forcing Orochimaru to flee the organisation. He was partnered with Kisame Hoshigaki, who he initially greeted with threats after the latter tried to intimidate him. However, they eventually became good partners for sharing the common bond of having betrayed the people closest to them. Sometime after joining Akatsuki and forcing Orochimaru to flee, Itachi helped recruit Deidara by beating him in battle using only genjutsu, to which Deidara swore vengeance against Itachi.
At some point in time, Itachi contracted a fatal illness. He kept himself alive through the intake of various medicines and sheer "willpower", in the hopes of living long enough to die by Sasuke's hands.



Knowing that his end was near, one of Itachi's shadow clones confronted Naruto, who was looking for Sasuke. Although he claimed he wished only to talk, Itachi was forced to defend himself against Naruto's attacks. After fending off Naruto, Itachi asked why he showed so much interest in Sasuke, a traitor to Konoha. Naruto replied that he was more of a brother to Sasuke than Itachi had ever been, and that he would do whatever it took to bring Sasuke home. This caused Itachi to give a small smile, followed up by asking if he would always feel that way, even if Sasuke attacked Konoha. Naruto replied only that, if that happened, he would stop Sasuke without killing him and protect the village. Content with this answer, Itachi gave some of his power to Naruto, by forcing him to swallow one of his crows, and hoped he would never have to use it.



After his business with Naruto was done, another of Itachi's shadow clones went to meet with Sasuke. Sasuke exhibited a dramatic improvement in his abilities during their confrontation, so Itachi agreed to have their final battle at the Uchiha Hideout. He waited there for Sasuke's arrival, instructing Kisame to not let the other members of Sasuke's team interfere with their combat. Itachi and Sasuke met face-to-face and, while exchanging genjutsu, had a conversation about the Uchiha, Madara Uchiha, and Itachi's "true" motives of wanting to take Sasuke's eyes. When Sasuke managed to escape Itachi's Tsukuyomi, the genjutsu battle ended and the ninjutsu battle began.
Itachi used Amaterasu, but Sasuke protected himself by shedding his skin, a technique he was able to use due to Orochimaru being sealed within him. Using the shed skin as a decoy, Sasuke went below and fired a Fire Release: Great Dragon Fire Technique at Itachi's direction above although he only managed to burn away one of Itachi's sleeves. Out of chakra, he told Itachi about his final jutsu that, like Amaterasu, is impossible to avoid. Sasuke then used his trump card, on Itachi, who got his Akatsuki cloak burned off as a result.



However, Itachi managed to survive by using Susanoo to defend himself. With Kirin having expended all of Sasuke's chakra, Orochimaru was able to assume control and violently appeared through his Eight Branches Technique. However, Itachi was easily able to cut off the seven snake heads, leaving only one behind whose mouth Orochimaru appeared out of and thanked Itachi for pushing Sasuke so far, in the process setting him free and allowing him to take control of Sasuke's body. Itachi, however, stabbed Orochimaru with the Totsuka sword to seal him away with Susanoo, thereby removing the cursed seal from Sasuke's body.


Itachi poked Sasuke's forehead before dying.


Farewell, brother.

As Itachi began to weaken, thus weakening Susanoo, Sasuke saw an opportunity to strike, but in vain, as Susanoo was still able to protect Itachi. His last option gone, Sasuke was pushed against a wall and left helpless as Itachi walked up close to him and seemed to be reaching for Sasuke's eyes. However, he instead poked Sasuke's forehead and smiled before saying, "Forgive me Sasuke… …It ends with this."; this was a reference to Itachi constantly poking Sasuke on the head when they were younger. With that act, Itachi finally gave in to his fatal illness, which he had been using medication and sheer willpower to fend off, and died.



The fight between the two brothers. Itachi; he accepted disgrace in the place of honour, and hate in the place of love.,

My First Trial

SILLOUETTE
The wind blew her face like a gentle caressing hand of a parent. She sighed. After the loss of her brother, she longed to see his face again, even for just one more time. But she knew it was impossible. Unwillingly, she walked away of the shore. The memories were far too painful to even be recalled. As she stepped her feet a few meters away from the shabby hut, an image suddenly popped up in her mind.
***
“Brother, where are you going? You can’t leave me here alone! Not in this house, please!” she cried like a baby in her mother’s arms.
“Lisa, I have to. Under these circumstances, I can’t do anything else. Running away from home is the only option I have. I don’t belong here anymore sister. But promise me; be strong when I’m gone. Would you promise me that?”
“I can’t!” her tears streamed down her face again.
“Lisa, I love you. I really do. I just need you to understand why I’m doing this. Our family is falling apart and I seem to be the reason behind all this. I’m so sorry. I have to go.” He walked away hesitantly.
Lisa cried once more. Her heart throbbed with pain and agony. Her brother is the only relative she is close to. Not even her parents would understand her. But when everything seemed to be in good terms, it was crushed to smithereens after the incident. She clutched to her chest to ebb the pain she was feeling inside. She had to learn to let go of something dear to her. Even if it meant she lost her strength again. Losing the strength she once had made her stronger than she used to be.
She went downstairs. Her footsteps echoed, waking her parents from their deep slumber. Her mother looked terrified.
“What happened dear? Are you alright?” her eyes looked her body thoroughly as if she suspected her daughter to be harmed.
“Mom, brother is gone! He ran away from home again!” she breathed heavily.
“Why are you talking nonsense at this hour, Lisa?!” her Dad shouted at her.
“I’m not talking nonsense Dad! Brother is really gone! He ran away because of you! Because he can’t stand being shouted at you all the time like you did to me just now!” Lisa let all her emotions out. She cried out loud.
“Shush, Lisa, Mom is here. Stop crying will you? You are a big girl right now. A big girl doesn’t cry,” her mother comforted her, slowly took Lisa in her embrace.
***
Lisa woke up in the middle of the night. She could not sleep well. Something had been bothering her mind ever since her brother ran away from home. She looked out at the faint light by the pavement outside her house through her bedroom window. Her eyes narrowed. Something was looking at her room. Focusing her eyes onto that something, her heart leapt with joy. Silently she went out of her room, tip-toeing. She tried to control her anxiety below her conscious mind. She ran towards the figure.
It was him.
“Brother! What are you doing here this late? You are going to catch a cold!” Lisa said while taking off her sweater.
“Lisa, I’m just fine. Don’t worry” he rejected her hand and wrapped the sweater back on her body.
“It is just that … I miss Mom and Dad. And I miss you the most” he uttered. His voice vibrates in the thin air.
His eyes were watery with tears. He almost cried, but he forced himself not to. Not in front of his beloved sister. He had to remain strong so that she could be one too.
“Are you crying?” Lisa asked. She understood well how her brother felt after all those times.
“Of course not!” he managed a fake smile. “Come with me little girl,” he continued.
Their walk took only about 15 minutes. They were at the shore right now.
“Why are we coming here?” Lisa asked curiously.
“That is where I am living right now” Justin said while pointing to a shabby house near a big tree.
She cried silently.
I am living in such a comfortable house with both my parents, and yet…and yet my own brother is suffering on his own, how cruel am I!
“Hush little sister. I’m just fine living there. It is not the worst, right?” Justin smiled, as if he understood what her little sister was thinking.
“But, it is a HUT, not even a house! I am going to tell Mom of what had happened to you. How cruel of them to neglect you. You are their son, their biological son!” she shouted in rage of anger.
“Lisa, do you want me to stay by your side?” Justin cupped both his palms to her perfect cheeks, with another smile that was hard to interpret.
“Of course, and you are going to stay with us again!”
“In that case, don’t tell them that you are visiting me today, okay?” he winked.

Lisa faced the next day with unusual delight. She knew that she could visit her brother every day now. Her parents were having no idea of what she was up to. After school, she would bring food and tinned biscuits and cakes to her brother. She wanted him to feel like he was home though she knew it was not. But then, she realized he had never eaten any of the food she brought to him.
“Brother, why don’t you eat those cakes?” she asked, wondering whether her brother had even feel a slight taste of hunger.
“Don’t worry; I’ll eat them after you left”
“Why don’t you eat now? Are they not tasty?”
“No, it is not that dear. It is just that I want to make every single minute with you memorable” his voice echoed in the darkness.
“What, are you going somewhere again? If you do, please don’t. I need you by my side,” tears started rolling down her cheeks again.
“Now, now. Don’t cry. I’m not going to leave you forever. It is just for a short while. Bear with it Lisa. You have to be strong. If you can’t do it for me, do it for Mom and Dad, alright?” Justin consoled her while caressing her long, wavy auburn hair.
***
“Where have you been?! Do you realize what time is it now, hah??!” yelled Dad at the utmost of his voice.
“It is 2 a.m.” she said as if she is not the guilty party for coming home late.
PANGGG!!
A lump stucked in her throat. Lisa was in the verge of tears. She cupped her left cheek with her palm. Her mother came in that instant and embraced her only daughter tightly.
“Why are you doing this, Thomas? Look what have you done to her! Do you want to lose her like you lost Justin?!” her mother blurted out in anger.
“Do you realize what has just happened? She went out at this hour, probably going out with some drug addicts! How’d you take care of your daughter? Tell me!” he bellowed.
“Maybe she is going to go mad after Justin’s death. You should as well send her to the psychiatrist” he continued.
“THOMAS!” she yelled at the top of her voice. Their quarrel seemed to come to no end.
“Justin’s dead? What are you talking about Dad? I just saw him a minute ago. He even said to send his regards to both of you,” Lisa interrupted the argument.
“See, she is going crazy!” he shouted, pointing his finger at Lisa as if she had committed the worst crime imaginable.
“Your brother is dead Lisa! Dead! Last month, he was drowned in the shore. . Don’t you even remember?” his voice softened a bit.
“You must be kidding me! I just met him at the shore we used to play. I even took some pictures with him there just now,” Lisa speculated.
She browsed for pictures in her phone album. But then, there is no one else in the picture except her.
She fell on her knees.

"What is this? Where is brother? I took pictures with him just now! Mother! Please believe me, Justin is just there with me!" she cried hysterically.
Her mother embraced her tightly.
"Lisa, lisa. Shush.. It is alright. Don't cry my love, i believe you," her mother tried to console Lisa though she, herself was brimming with tears.