Friday, July 29, 2011

how we used to be

I used to have a roommate from my batch.
she is a barbie.
when i saw her during the registration for new students for first intake, i thought

'oh my, she looks like an arabic girl'
i like her way of putting on the shawl. it looks astonishingly great on her.
from time to time, i tried to put on shawl as well, though not as good as her.
Even people keep mocking me that i look really bad in wearing shawl. (it is bad, i know it when i look at my pictures wearing those shawls)

she can be a good person at times. and i miss her now.
we are no longer in good terms as there are some circumstances happened ever since she befriended someone (her best friend now)

though the first time i know her, she hardly pray, but from time to time she was able to change that. im just so grateful that she change for the better. :)

well, i guess every cloud has a silver lining. i no longer talk to her. It happened for i can't stand her being so impolite to me. i know i'm the one who loses temper first, but she needed to understand why since she has been my roommate for 2 years.

I told my parents that she likes to borrow things from me. i don't mind, really. but my parents said stop all those nonsense. i should be more rigid with her since there is one time she said 'i can live without money since i have my roommate'.
what she meant is that she can depend on me when it comes to food, stuffs and something like that. it is just intolerable since she is just my roommate, not my relatives or anything like that.

my second last straw was when i asked her not to switch off the fan because i'm hanging my clothes in that room. i said that three times.clearly.

and when i came back from class, i saw the fan was already switched off and my clothes still wet. i am going to use that clothes for next day occasion and when i asked why, she said she forgot. and guess what she told me?

'nasib la'
there's not even an apology.

i felt like kicking her ass at that time, but i'm still humane.
the next day was the last day of our friendship.
i was supposed to stay outside from the hostel for not being able to return my key to the office.
i'm totally down at the moment. before, i have asked her to return my key to the office for she is going home the next day, but she didnt.

she said she forgot.
and thats when i lost my temper.

i told her, it is her fault that i have to stay outside.
and guess what she told me again?

'nasib la'

not even an apology. like last time.
from that day onwards, i never talk to her again.
even her best friend didnot talk to me. i wonder what she told her.

during our last time together, her friends did come in our room, keep mocking me, as if i am the guilty party. i know i am guilty at some part, but she should be more polite with me when i lose my temper. instead, she kept provoking me.

she even invited her friends, lots of them to come to our room. i didn't know the motives, but she made the environment really tense for me. she even mocked me when i am around her. but i kept silent. it is just a matter of time before she went away from my life.

it is not that i hate her.
but everything she does, makes me wonder, why people keep mocking others? do you want to hurt me inside? i guess it is a so.

there's a question. why girls like to talk about others behind their backs? does it feel so good talking about them?
another question. why people see others' mistakes rather than their own?
another one. why people have becoming so obsessed with life?

well, i have a regret about her.
i think that is also one of the reason she hated me that much.
she used to have a bf which she dated for 5 years and a half. one fateful day, she fell in love with someone else. her bf kept texting me, asking me to become his spy. it is just outrageous. i dont want to be involved with their relationship. but, i felt sorry for him. he is just a nice guy though. when he asked me anything, i just told him the truth. but when it comes to the other guy, i did defend her. but he seemed not to trust me since i am her roommate. he must've thought that her gf asked me to tell him that.

their relationship was over before i knew it. i felt really sorry for her and i thought it is my fault for being so nosy. but how come can i ignore someone who needs my help? she knows that her ex has been texting me recently and she told me to say only good things about her. i'm in sixes and sevens.

but then, it is also a blessing in disguise that she was not with him anymore. she found someone better than him. someone who does not restrict her from doing anything she likes. i'm feeling saved somehow.

if she did read my entry. i just want to tell her, that i miss her so much despite all the circumstances which had occured in our past friendship. we are no longer friends, but i do hope you will do well in your life. never talks bad about others again, be polite, humble, and befriend many. :')

i also have mistakes. i will try to change my attitude from time to time. i am the kind who never think about what others think about me. i know many despise me. i am just me.

p/s: i miss you alot.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Deepest Me

Dear Sandstorms Diary,
People used to call me 'a person with no feelings'.
I bet they do have a point. But somehow guys, you should know, even animals have feelings for their offspring.
This is me.
I am also a human being.
I am not a robot whatsoever.
I used to make a lot of mistakes in life. Much much more than others. When I said MORE, it is really MORE.
More than anyone else.
More than you.

I regret everything that I did in the past. But people said let bygones be bygones. Live for the future. If you live for the past, you would never be happy. That's what people told me.

I am not good looking. I am not pretty. I am not beautiful. I am just nothing. Nothing that I made can be proud of. You can say I am the worst human being. It is not a mistake that I am the worst.

But I tried my hardest to be better.
I tried my deepest to find Allah's love. I tried and I tried.
But to no avail.

In my search for Allah, I found this guy.
I know this feeling is not mutual. That's why I have been trying to avoid him as much as possible.
How stupid am I to fall for someone very close to me.
How stupid.
I would pray everyday that someone will come to my side. Someone legal. Someone you love and be with every minute.
Life is not that beautiful for a person like me who has nothing.
Somehow, I wish, I really wish he would fall for me as well. But, if he doesn't, I would just let him go and wish him happiness.

Why does this feeling ever existed in the first place?


The first assignment for Numerical Literacy is done. It took a great deal of time to be completed. Nevertheless, I am quite satisfied with the result. After all those hardwork, finally, the 71 pages, I was able to make it the thickest assignment among my classmates. Haha. That was funny to even compete about the number of pages, not the contents itself. :D

That book cover is one of the book that I used in that assignment.

Oh, hell! This 1st August is the deadline for my second assignment, Literasi Bahasa.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My First Trial

The wind blew her face like a gentle caressing hand of a parent. She sighed. After the loss of her brother, she longed to see his face again, even for just one more time. But she knew it was impossible. Unwillingly, she walked away of the shore. The memories were far too painful to even be recalled. As she stepped her feet a few meters away from the shabby hut, an image suddenly popped up in her mind.
“Brother, where are you going? You can’t leave me here alone! Not in this house, please!” she cried like a baby in her mother’s arms.
“Lisa, I have to. Under these circumstances, I can’t do anything else. Running away from home is the only option I have. I don’t belong here anymore sister. But promise me; be strong when I’m gone. Would you promise me that?”
“I can’t!” her tears streamed down her face again.
“Lisa, I love you. I really do. I just need you to understand why I’m doing this. Our family is falling apart and I seem to be the reason behind all this. I’m so sorry. I have to go.” He walked away hesitantly.
Lisa cried once more. Her heart throbbed with pain and agony. Her brother is the only relative she is close to. Not even her parents would understand her. But when everything seemed to be in good terms, it was crushed to smithereens after the incident. She clutched to her chest to ebb the pain she was feeling inside. She had to learn to let go of something dear to her. Even if it meant she lost her strength again. Losing the strength she once had made her stronger than she used to be.
She went downstairs. Her footsteps echoed, waking her parents from their deep slumber. Her mother looked terrified.
“What happened dear? Are you alright?” her eyes looked her body thoroughly as if she suspected her daughter to be harmed.
“Mom, brother is gone! He ran away from home again!” she breathed heavily.
“Why are you talking nonsense at this hour, Lisa?!” her Dad shouted at her.
“I’m not talking nonsense Dad! Brother is really gone! He ran away because of you! Because he can’t stand being shouted at you all the time like you did to me just now!” Lisa let all her emotions out. She cried out loud.
“Shush, Lisa, Mom is here. Stop crying will you? You are a big girl right now. A big girl doesn’t cry,” her mother comforted her, slowly took Lisa in her embrace.
Lisa woke up in the middle of the night. She could not sleep well. Something had been bothering her mind ever since her brother ran away from home. She looked out at the faint light by the pavement outside her house through her bedroom window. Her eyes narrowed. Something was looking at her room. Focusing her eyes onto that something, her heart leapt with joy. Silently she went out of her room, tip-toeing. She tried to control her anxiety below her conscious mind. She ran towards the figure.
It was him.
“Brother! What are you doing here this late? You are going to catch a cold!” Lisa said while taking off her sweater.
“Lisa, I’m just fine. Don’t worry” he rejected her hand and wrapped the sweater back on her body.
“It is just that … I miss Mom and Dad. And I miss you the most” he uttered. His voice vibrates in the thin air.
His eyes were watery with tears. He almost cried, but he forced himself not to. Not in front of his beloved sister. He had to remain strong so that she could be one too.
“Are you crying?” Lisa asked. She understood well how her brother felt after all those times.
“Of course not!” he managed a fake smile. “Come with me little girl,” he continued.
Their walk took only about 15 minutes. They were at the shore right now.
“Why are we coming here?” Lisa asked curiously.
“That is where I am living right now” Justin said while pointing to a shabby house near a big tree.
She cried silently.
I am living in such a comfortable house with both my parents, and yet…and yet my own brother is suffering on his own, how cruel am I!
“Hush little sister. I’m just fine living there. It is not the worst, right?” Justin smiled, as if he understood what her little sister was thinking.
“But, it is a HUT, not even a house! I am going to tell Mom of what had happened to you. How cruel of them to neglect you. You are their son, their biological son!” she shouted in rage of anger.
“Lisa, do you want me to stay by your side?” Justin cupped both his palms to her perfect cheeks, with another smile that was hard to interpret.
“Of course, and you are going to stay with us again!”
“In that case, don’t tell them that you are visiting me today, okay?” he winked.

Lisa faced the next day with unusual delight. She knew that she could visit her brother every day now. Her parents were having no idea of what she was up to. After school, she would bring food and tinned biscuits and cakes to her brother. She wanted him to feel like he was home though she knew it was not. But then, she realized he had never eaten any of the food she brought to him.
“Brother, why don’t you eat those cakes?” she asked, wondering whether her brother had even feel a slight taste of hunger.
“Don’t worry; I’ll eat them after you left”
“Why don’t you eat now? Are they not tasty?”
“No, it is not that dear. It is just that I want to make every single minute with you memorable” his voice echoed in the darkness.
“What, are you going somewhere again? If you do, please don’t. I need you by my side,” tears started rolling down her cheeks again.
“Now, now. Don’t cry. I’m not going to leave you forever. It is just for a short while. Bear with it Lisa. You have to be strong. If you can’t do it for me, do it for Mom and Dad, alright?” Justin consoled her while caressing her long, wavy auburn hair.
“Where have you been?! Do you realize what time is it now, hah??!” yelled Dad at the utmost of his voice.
“It is 2 a.m.” she said as if she is not the guilty party for coming home late.
A lump stucked in her throat. Lisa was in the verge of tears. She cupped her left cheek with her palm. Her mother came in that instant and embraced her only daughter tightly.
“Why are you doing this, Thomas? Look what have you done to her! Do you want to lose her like you lost Justin?!” her mother blurted out in anger.
“Do you realize what has just happened? She went out at this hour, probably going out with some drug addicts! How’d you take care of your daughter? Tell me!” he bellowed.
“Maybe she is going to go mad after Justin’s death. You should as well send her to the psychiatrist” he continued.
“THOMAS!” she yelled at the top of her voice. Their quarrel seemed to come to no end.
“Justin’s dead? What are you talking about Dad? I just saw him a minute ago. He even said to send his regards to both of you,” Lisa interrupted the argument.
“See, she is going crazy!” he shouted, pointing his finger at Lisa as if she had committed the worst crime imaginable.
“Your brother is dead Lisa! Dead! Last month, he was drowned in the shore. . Don’t you even remember?” his voice softened a bit.
“You must be kidding me! I just met him at the shore we used to play. I even took some pictures with him there just now,” Lisa speculated.
She browsed for pictures in her phone album. But then, there is no one else in the picture except her.
She fell on her knees.

"What is this? Where is brother? I took pictures with him just now! Mother! Please believe me, Justin is just there with me!" she cried hysterically.
Her mother embraced her tightly.
"Lisa, lisa. Shush.. It is alright. Don't cry my love, i believe you," her mother tried to console Lisa though she, herself was brimming with tears.

Hey people!

Don't judge me, unless you have looked through my eyes, experienced what I have, and cried as many tears as me. Until then, BACK OFF; for you have no idea.