19/12/2013

The day has actually been knocking at my door.
finally his father came to my house to meet my parents. Our date is not yet set but the cloudy day i have been seeing for all this while is coming to an end. it is clearer to me now. i feel blessed it is almost like a dream.

la tahzan

last night, i was totally shocked. 

shocked to know 'that person' has engaged and getting married next year. what is this feeling then? i feel so depressed and sad i'd rather not knowing the truth at all. :( 

i never blame this on my parents. they knew what is best for me. And Allah knew my heart that even i don't. maybe my heart is not pure anymore.

maybe it is darkened by my impure actions, my sins, my mistakes towards my Creator. i deserve this. so it should be okay. 

i found someone that my parents like. i don't know how long would this continue as i am afraid it would repeat itself again. i know how my heart looks like. it is not the same as everybody else's since i'm just me. i lacked many many things.

 pray and du'a are my only hopes. 

would he be the one for me?

only HE knows

What is happening?

A teacher. how simple it sounds right?
now i realize how hard it is to become one.
this semester's practicum is a hectic. i got the noisiest class in the entire school, yes great! (feels like crying)
just try to imagine, even when i got mad at them, i mean really mad that my voice can be heard by the entire school, they can still sit comfortably on their chair, behaving as if nothing has ever happened. they are quiet for a second there, and not so long after, they are talking with themselves again.

this is what happened during EXAMINATION. and can you imagine how hard it is for me to control that class during normal hours?

it seemed as if my desire to teach them has gone down the drain. how am i supposed to teach when they can only make English sentences like,
"my brother is a piano"

hell yeah.

what is happening to them? what would actually happen to them in the future since they do not understand such simple words like "beach", "presents", "swim"?

and the 'bestest' thing i got from one of the student as soon as i enter the class is "Farah Hana anak haram". that male student wrote them in a piece of paper in front of me, as if i did not see what he just did.

thank you so much for disappointing me dear students.

Little Dresses

dress is the type of clothing i like most. it is long and flowy like a jellyfish. :)

rectangular path of life.

the last paper sure made me feel stupid. haha.

i think i might not score for this paper even when i have once get 100 marks for the quiz. this is possibly an omen. how crazy does it sound when i said i just made it halfway in the second essay question? lost 10 marks there. probably. maybe i have made HIM mad at me many many times, that's why. :( forgive me. 

i wish i have a brain like Albert Einstein. 

i study like a moron last night. 

as i opened the exam paper, i sighed. 

EVERYTHING that i have been studying by pulling all-nighters are not there. not even one question about basis, rank and dimension and minor and blaaa blaa bla... grr!

okay lets stop those crazy-student-like life there. 

by the way, i am feeling much better now. at least for the time being. would i be able to forget? no, of course not. maybe i am feeling this way because i thought of him as a best friend who would always be there for me. Emm, would he or would he not? it is a little frustrating, but as i opened up my perspective, i managed to get a clearer view of my future. i am going to concentrate on my studies. that way, i might be able to pursue my long-lost dream. after graduating, i might continue with my second degree, well that depends on my CGPA. it must be 3.80 above or i won't get any scholarship. well if plan A does not work, plan B is still there. i will make sure to appreciate my life more. i am going to look further, deeper, so i would become someone people would never thought i would be. :) you guys are going to regret looking down on me! haha.

by the way, i have been planning of going to Japan the end of this year. Hooraay!! 

well it is just a plan. i have to take a lot of considerations before going there. i might just be going there alone. 

the planned date is 30/11/2013 till 6/12/2013. yes a week. the ticket fees including airport charges are about RM940. plus the passport. +- RM1k. 

a problem, a major problem is that i don't know how to make a visa. haha. they said i should have at least RM6k in my account i guess that won't be a big problem. but how to make a visa? no one i know knew how to make one. wuuuu~ 

and besides, if i were to go on my own, what if she is not there yet. and i have no one to ask about directions whatsoever since i don't really understand japanese. and japanese do not know english. okay that's one of the worst-case-scenario. 

okay thank you!

 i AM Albert Einstein after all. i can study japanese in just a week. haha! (aho janai ka? no one would be able to learn japanese in just a week)

a vacation to Japan with my best friend is the best thing ever and is my dream! i would never put anything in front until i have set my foot there. 

till then, wish me luck!

wait for me. 

untitled feelings

a man who truly loves you would never let you go no matter how hard the situation is.

i know how hard it is to find someone who is able to love you unconditionally. i never found one in my whole life. not even one.

men used to toy with my feelings. they are there when they need us and leave us when the situation is favourable for them. dear men out there, can you please explain why? can you please explain?

i know tomorrow is the day. after heart-throbbing reconciliation, there you go again. it has been only a few days. it is impossible for you to be patient for another year. deep down, you never love me right? it is alright.

p/s: atashi wa tsuyoi desu. :')

The Little Fairytale's Worst Nightmare

he is the sweetest person i have known in my entire 22 years of life. he knows everything about me yet he accepted me the way i am. he speaks a language that i really love ever since i am 13 years old. such stupid reasons did turn me into a moron after all. i have beginning to trust his words, his actions and his promises.
and after a month, that fairytale-like story has come to an abrupt end. with this one reason.

"I am still very young, so are you. I begin to realise that I was able to do everything on my own. I guess this is it. Goodbye"

such simple sentences.
such simple words.
what is the point of making me fall for you?
and how come i was so blind not to realise his lies?
baka mitai.

you know, i have been through his experience. unsure of my own feelings. and the reason is, i fall for another person. in his case, it might be the same after all. what goes around comes around. what i did before would come back at me again, in an even frightening manner.
no words were able to describe what i am feeling. the only thing i can't tolerate are his lies and broken promises. if you can't fulfill those promises, don't even dare to make them in the first place.

tears can't possibly interpret that my heart is screaming. it is not just wounded, it is broken to pieces. how am i supposed to glue them back together? T_T

a broken heart would take a long time to recover. i have been through sleepless night and worried about this imminent examination as i can't focus on my studies. oh, how i wish i was born without feelings and heart. that way i won't be experiencing the torment of being left alone by someone i used to trust.

hitori

i might have stepped away from Allah.

my heart is not at peace anymore. 

how can i turn it back to how it used to be?

O Allah~ please guide me to go through this chaos .

i have nowhere else to go. 

no one to depend on to 

except for YOU. my mighty Creator. :')

You are always there when i need you most.

You heard my prayers many many times. Am i being grateful for everything you have done up to now?

You gave me a family. You gave me my precious friends, You gave me almost everything. Yet... have i ever repaid them? No. i am sorry. please forgive me. urushite ageru. :(

There is only this one prayer i wish you would hear. 

i know i am nobody, just a plain girl among millions and millions of better ones. 

i wish my heart would always be with YOU

i wanted to love You and being loved back is just everything any mankind would ever wish for. 

p/s: there is this loneliness inside the crux of my heart. how do i fill them? it is kind of....empty....

kibou no hana (flower of hope)

nanika ni tsumadzuitara dou yatte tachinaoru no?

kangaesuginai koto sa uwa no sora de kiiteita

chigireta kako ni ha hitotsu mo uso nante nakatta kedo

kore kara omou mirai ni shinjitsu ha aru no?

Should I ever trip, how should I get right back up?

It’s just a thought… I simply asked while absent minded…

There wasn’t a single lie in my shattered past,

but will truth lie in the future I envision?

umaretekita toki ha dare mo ga hitori da yo dakara koso

issho ni ikiteikou to suru ne

Everyone is born alone, and that is exactly why

we try to live together with others.

ano hi ANATA ni oshierareta ikiru tsuyosa ya imi wo

kono mune ni tsuyoku nigirishime

itsuka subete no koto ni chanto kibou no hana ga saku youni

kono basho kara himeyou

I firmly hold the strength to live and its meaning

that you taught me deep in my heart.

Let’s start here so from now on

everything will one day bloom with a flower of hope.

hontou ni daijina koto ha tsurai toki wakaru mono ne

motsureta NEKKURESU no youni hodokenai kimochi

We come to learn what is truly important during painful times.

They’re our emotions we can’t untie from… like a tangled necklace.

mawari bakari ki ni shiteita ne

aruga mama ikirareru koto koso ga

yorokobi to shitta

We were always conscious about what happened around us…

But living true to oneself is how

we found happiness.

akirameru koto ha itsudatte muzukashii koto janai arukidasu koto ni kurabetara

dakedo kokoro ni egaiteta yume no chizu ha azayaka ni nando demo kienai

Giving up isn’t difficult, as opposed to continuing walking.

But even so, the dreams we envision are vivid and will never fade.

tsugi no tobira akeru toki mata kono te ha kowagaru darou

sonna toki ni anata wo omou dake de tsuyoku nareru yo

These hand will shiver in fear when I have to open the next door.

During that time, when I think of you, I become stronger.

itsumo mite minu FURI shiteita yuuki to kodoku ga aru

tesaguri de ima taguriyosete

itsuka kokoro ni sakasetai yo kibou no hana wo sotto

anata to futari de

ashita kyou yori mo KIRAmeita egao de arimasu youni

kono michi wo tsuyoku kizamikomi

sukoshi mae ni susundemiyou manazashi wo takaku agete ima anata to

I always pretended I never saw anything. But there is courage and loneliness.

Fumbling around, I draw them in.

One day, I want to make the flower of hope in my heart gently bloom.

Together with you.

Hoping our smiles would be brighter tomorrow than they are today,

I carve this path deeply in my heart.

Let’s try walking forward bit by bit and keep our sight high.

kono basho kara hajimeyou

Let’s start, from here on.

Taisetsu na Tomodachi

what is the definition of a friend? for me, it is someone you can share your thoughts, laughter and sadness with. however i found out now that the word 'friend' is just a mere word. friends befriends us when they find the time is right, when they have troubles, when they are alone, when they are sad. but friends are not there when we need them, when we are lonely, when we are sad, when we don't have anything to give back to them. i wonder why, in my whole life, i have never found a girl-friend whom i can truly trust with all my heart. there's only this one guy, my very best friend whom i thought the one who is actually my friend and my comrade, maybe because he already has a girlfriend (i mean, a real one) and so i have no troubles befriend him. and he is quite far from me so he won't irritate me that much. haha. emm, i just hope he would always become my friend no matter what happen. till the end.

Maybe i would always be on my own. even though it is okay, but i might feel lonely again. it is not that people don't want to befriend me. or no guys ever like me to be their friend or whatsoever, but it is me. i am always distancing myself from them. because i hate pain. i don't like getting hurt because i am too sensitive without people knowing. i keep everything inside and at the end it is me getting hurt the most. i don't utter much words about my feelings. this blog is the only place i could actually be open to the outside world.

maybe that's why people used to call me a loner. i really am a loner. but a loner have feelings too. i smile and laugh. but it is just a mask i'm wearing outside. inside, i am so alone. people would never notice unless you have the power to see what other people are thinking. and, i am not a good person. i act all nice. i posted many islamic quotes and Quranic verses, but i think my insides are even darker than black. i don't know how to turn it back to how it was. you guys would not believe what my past are like. too many wrong roads that i have taken. too many pain. i'm just way too stupid. however it is the past i am talking about and i am grateful for having experience one. because of that, i am able to think, to analyse to decide what is best. thank you Allah. alhamdulillah.

p/s: waiting for my other half. would he come, someday? 

just so you know, i do not deserve anyone because i am no good. just simply human that always makes mistakes.