it has been 5 years and a half

this is the sacred place where i learned and experience things in life. how i miss being part of the society, how i miss the people there, the places i have been, the food, the culture and every single thing that i see. i miss my friends the most. they are the best people of my life. though sometimes we argued about the most trivial stuffs, well people said that true friendship is never serene, right? :)
things that we have been through turned us into young adults, thus realising that there is more to this world than just 'that'.

my 'bestest' friends

Seoul Garden, QueensBay 19 October 2014

in memory :)

alhamdulillah

life is a test. it would never be so easy unless you die.

it was the same thing for me. though i have been hurt numerous times, i am still able to stand by my own two feet. alhamdulillah. somehow i keep thinking, 'do i deserve this happiness, all this joy?' well, i don't really know, but my past was full of grief and sorrow no one would be able to contemplate. i guess that makes it even. isn't it? :D

inshaallah we are going to be together soon. i love you. 

VIVA

i have just finished with my mini thesis presentation about two days ago. I was nervous to the core even though there weren't many audiences. but i just couldn't help it. there were two panels. the first panel is my maths lecturer while the other panel is a lecturer from another unit. both of them were not so strict and gave appropriate comments and questions. i didn't even know if i answered their questions right haha. well, whatever.

me. 24/9/2014. 

alhamdulillah. this 30th of september would be the due date for passing out the reports and we would just be waiting for final exam. the last exam we would be sitting here, in this campus.

may Allah ease everything. Inshaallah.

p/s: 30th sept is my 23rd birthday! :D

life is a test

i have been feeling so alone ever since i was little, ever since i know the meaning of being left behind, the feeling of sadness that no one would be able to comprehend. as i grow older the feelings still come and go like the wind; which is never a tender one.
sometimes i wish i would lead my own life soon, getting married, have my own kids and family. it is hard to be me. sometimes silence is better than words. sometimes lying to one's own feelings is the best way to survive.

people often says, "I like being 'like' you, never to worry about what others might think, so independent"
but being me is not easy. the reason i am independent is just because i have no one to rely to.

but then i am thankful that i still have these two persons in my life. my best friend and FR. the only people to be there even when no one in the world would even bother, when no one seem to care, when no one seem to understand. thank you for always be there. i love you both so much. :')

no more confusion

today was the first time we met after a few struggles to keep this relationship in the right path.
he came over to say hi to my parents and the we went to a picnic, actually it is not a planned one. hehe :P
he suddenly called me early in the morning (i was still fast asleep) and told me that he wanted to come over at noon. i was surprised of course. but you see, he likes to surprise me. :D
we spent hours talking.
the moment slipped away just like that.
it was fun.
and the rest, i have to keep it to myself. :)
i guess i have made up my mind after almost a year of confusion.
and believing is the first step.

i might not tell you this, but..

あなたがずっと好きでした。

約束だよ！ inshaallah :)

p/s: every memory will be recorded in here. i am forgetful, you see. 

You, my chosen future

i might have walked the wrong path before. i thought love comes before everything. but i was wrong.
sometimes i have bad feelings about FR because we do not contact each other often. but he is the only one brave enough to go to my house to see my parents. he is the only one ever brought his father to see me. he is the only one to stay true to me when i said i like someone else. he is the only one to be so rational when my head is a mess. he is the only one to say i have the right to choose whoever i want. and he is the only one to stay with me when i need him most.


i might have found 'him' but i chose to neglect what i have until Allah put everything back in place. Alhamdulillah.

p/s: dear A.R. please be nice.

Don't Be Sad

Dear diary,
it has been months since my last entry. Oh, how i miss you! ^_^
During that brief amount of time, i've struggled many times to brush up my rusty, old self. i've stumbled again and again. n then it goes round in circle and then repeat itself again. what is going to happen to me?
only then from Allah i seek for forgiveness and Him alone do i ask for mercy. for i am just a nobody pretending to be somebody. how small i am compared to our prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H). i guess the word 'small' can't even compare me to him. :'(
i want to be a better person but it seemed my sins are building up as time passes by. Should i just stay where i am now and doing nothing? that way nothing is going to happen. zero. i have to go through this phase. i have to be strong. i'm going to be one. when i looked backwards, i felt sorry for myself. it was my stupid decision which led me to who i am today. but i wish to brush it off from my life.

Ya Allah, i wish for your guidance.

Raining

it is raining again. 

how i love the rain. it reminds me how Allah blesses us with a rainbow after each rain. 

but the time for each rain to end is just too long. when would it go away? 

i knew i have made countless mistakes. i knew how bad i am. but please don't judge me by my past. 

i'm trying my hardest to change. i'm trying but you never knew that. 

i wish to become a better person. a person to be loved by her Creator, her Prophet and her family. but, would i be able to? 

today it rains again. it is almost as if the world is crying along with me. so much for a broken heart. 

i wish i don't have a heart. love is wrong. wrong to reside inside me. sometimes i do wish for it to never stop. so that people would know i'm crying inside. Allah please forgive me and forgive me again. 

p/s: i forgave you long before you asked for it. 

Forgive Me

I’m about to lose the battle and cross the line

I’m about to make another mistake

And even though I try to stay away

Everything around me keeps dragging me in

I can’t help thinking to myself

What if my time would end today, today, today?

Can I guarantee that I will get another chance

Before it’s too late, too late, too late

Forgive me… My heart is so full of regret

Forgive me… Now is the right time for me to repent, repent, repent..

Am I out of my mind?

What did I do? Oh, I feel so bad!

And every time I try to start all over again

My shame comes back to haunt me

I’m trying hard to walk away

But temptation is surrounding me, surrounding me

I wish that I could find the strength to change my life

Before it’s too late, too late, too late

Forgive me… My heart is so full of regret

Forgive me… Now is the right time for me to repent, repent, repent..

I know O Allah You’re the Most-Forgiving

And that You’ve promised to

Always be there when I call upon You

So now I’m standing here

Ashamed of all the mistakes I’ve committed

Please don’t turn me away

And hear my prayer when I ask You to...

Forgive me… My heart is so full of regret

Forgive me… Now is the right time for me to repent, repent, repent..

LOST

Yes, i think i'm lost again. Stumbled upon the road that i thought was the best.

it gave me quite a heart attack reading the sentence. 

How i used to avoid being on my own, how i used to hate being so on my own two feet and how i detest being the only one so different. But it doesn't matter anymore. 

i have once prayed to the Almighty seeking for his guidance in the matter of choosing the right one for me.

Are you going to disappear someday?

the best thing is felt by the heart

Dear diary,

it has been so long ever since i last wrote. however as i browsed through all the entries i have been posting before, i could scarcely believe my life would come to this point. 

it is hard for me to accept, but it might be the right choice after all have happened. consulting other people would be the best option for me so as not to make a haste decision. 

lucky for me that i am not the type to be engulfed by grief and sorrow of some men. what would possibly happen if we were to think and re-think again about our past? it would get us nowhere. 

as for me my dearest diary, i will keep on walking on my own as if nothing has ever happened. i know that i can survive on my own two feet. keep on praying. even though we feel as if Allah would never listen to a pray from such a sinful human (like me), i will not ever lose hope on HIM. 

i will always believe that HE would never forsake us in adversity if we always remember HIM in our prosperity.