Taisetsu na Tomodachi

what is the definition of a friend? for me, it is someone you can share your thoughts, laughter and sadness with. however i found out now that the word 'friend' is just a mere word. friends befriends us when they find the time is right, when they have troubles, when they are alone, when they are sad. but friends are not there when we need them, when we are lonely, when we are sad, when we don't have anything to give back to them. i wonder why, in my whole life, i have never found a girl-friend whom i can truly trust with all my heart. there's only this one guy, my very best friend whom i thought the one who is actually my friend and my comrade, maybe because he already has a girlfriend (i mean, a real one) and so i have no troubles befriend him. and he is quite far from me so he won't irritate me that much. haha. emm, i just hope he would always become my friend no matter what happen. till the end.

Maybe i would always be on my own. even though it is okay, but i might feel lonely again. it is not that people don't want to befriend me. or no guys ever like me to be their friend or whatsoever, but it is me. i am always distancing myself from them. because i hate pain. i don't like getting hurt because i am too sensitive without people knowing. i keep everything inside and at the end it is me getting hurt the most. i don't utter much words about my feelings. this blog is the only place i could actually be open to the outside world.

maybe that's why people used to call me a loner. i really am a loner. but a loner have feelings too. i smile and laugh. but it is just a mask i'm wearing outside. inside, i am so alone. people would never notice unless you have the power to see what other people are thinking. and, i am not a good person. i act all nice. i posted many islamic quotes and Quranic verses, but i think my insides are even darker than black. i don't know how to turn it back to how it was. you guys would not believe what my past are like. too many wrong roads that i have taken. too many pain. i'm just way too stupid. however it is the past i am talking about and i am grateful for having experience one. because of that, i am able to think, to analyse to decide what is best. thank you Allah. alhamdulillah.

p/s: waiting for my other half. would he come, someday? 

just so you know, i do not deserve anyone because i am no good. just simply human that always makes mistakes.